The Good, The Bad & The Stuff I Promise Myself To Change On January 1–And Mess Up By January 10.

I am happy to report that I haven’t made a resolution this year. Or last year. Or for the past five years, really! I told myself that I would only make decisions from here on in.

I mean, I’m almost a nun! I don’t smoke–anything. I rarely drink. And I keep my weight manageable. So the things people normally resolve to do, I really don’t do or have a desire to do.

But there was this one year where I decided to give up cursing. Yes, cursing. I decided that I would try and be more ladylike: cursing would be something I saw as a vice, and I had kids, so I thought I would give up cursing. The thing is, I was married to my first husband at the time. Not the greatest time to give up something that is a free stress reliever while married to an immature asshole (see why this was so hard for me?).

My oldest daughter was talking and walking, and I was pregnant with my second. Their father (dear holy God), made me so angry some days I don’t know why I am not in prison! But because she was picking up the swear words between him and I–so, it was a good idea to stop cursing.

That lasted about a week. Yes, my shortest resolution ever lasted 7 calendar days. Seven.

Mark Twain had the right idea.

After the epic collapse of my first marriage, I decided that I was never going to make another resolution. Not nam nother one–dammit. What that experience taught me was these three things:

1.) Resolutions are hard. Resolutions are personal, and normally they are made for and around things you desire to change. They are supposed to serve as a reminder for the life you want–a tool of change! But let’s not kid ourselves, though. Resolutions are easy to make–hard to keep.

2.) Resolutions should be realistic and manageable. I thought I would be able to handle quitting those delicious, bittersweet dirty words! But, I wasn’t. Not in that relationship. Not around my good girlfriends. Not on the occasional night out. Quitting cursing was harder than a fleet of seamen in a Tokyo port during WWII.

3.) Resolutions are f#cking hard. What I think makes resolutions so hard is tenacity and discipline. You have to remember what you promised yourself. You have to make that same decision to follow what you put in place everyday. Every. Single. Day. And that is not always the easiest thing.

More power to you, my #Torches on the resolutions you make. I wish you all the luck, love and liquor in the world to help you achieve that which you desire to do and change. As for me, I couldn’t do that. F#ck that.

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