Being The Glue: The Promise Of Better Shouldn’t Cost Her Everything

This piece is written in heteronormative terms. As with the previous piece, I do not want to disavow any experience my Firestarters whom may be a part of the LGBTQIA community. That is not my experience, but there are elements to toxic relationships that you can find regardless of who you choose to love–and have love you. No matter whom you share time and beds with, you deserve love, respect, and to feel safe. Never forget that. -JBHarris, Lead Admin, The Ideal Firestarter.

This society has this obsession with broken hearted women. We love to see the girl has gone through so much pain and heartbreak only to find real love with someone else. We love to see how much women can stand before they break…or die in the breaking.

I want us to stop romanticizing what it means to be in a healthy, lasting relationship. That doesn’t mean you go and do all you can to see if there is a level you can push a woman to in order to see how much she loves you or if she will leave. I had an ex-boyfriend like that. I loved him, and he made me question just why I did. I loved him so much, and he cheated on me. He hit me. The relationship was so toxic that my mother, with all power mothers have, said the light had gone out in my eyes. She said I looked dead. I remember looking in her bathroom mirror, and there was no light there. My eyes were flat. They were matte. It was the scariest thing I had every seen. Working in the medical profession now, I know what it means to have the ‘light go out’ in your eyes.

This is one of the signs death is coming.

“Rage against the dying of the light…”
-Dylan Thomas


The end of any life.

No hope.

The utter end of every matter. And my mother saw that in the eyes of her child. The man that I loved, because he had no idea what that meant, had tried to kill my spirit, my light, my ability to try and love someone else.

It is not fair to put a person you love hrough something unnecessary becaseu you heard love can and does cover a multitude of things. Love is patient yes, but it shouldn’t be the reason that you forget ofhow to treat people. Making a woman and emotional martyr, only to suddenly come to yourself, doesn’t make yo a good man. It doesn’t make you a good man to be immatures in a relationship that requires maturity. That requires respect. That demands  you know what the words “I love you” mean.

It doesn’t mean that being in love with someone you accept all toxic, heartul behavior. Are people fallable, and prone to devastating behavior–yes, both male and female. The things that makes this toxic and all the more hurtful, is when this behavior is on-going. It is unrepentant. It is rampant. It is done with the assertion that because you love this person, you being the non-offending party in the relationship must forgive because the love you have demands it. That’s trash logic!It’s manipulative. It is non-sensical!

In the cold light of day, you will have to ask yourself this: If you love me, why hurt me?Why would you want to do something, outside of a relationship you say you value, if you say you love this person?

This goes to the nature of faith. I make no question or qualm that I am a believer in Christ. I still will say Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.  This idea of the long-suffering woman can be as problematic as it is toxic.

As women, we are taught and told that if  we hang in long enough, things will change. If we pray hard enough, things will change. If we just endure a little while longer, things will change! He will wake up, suddenly value me and the world will be righted!

I agree.

However, that is not always the case. At some end, you have to value yourself. At some end you have to have a standard about yourself that says, “This treatment is unacceptable, and I will not take it!” At some point, you will admit, even if to yourself, “I need and deserve more than this!”  You will have to admit that the relationship indeed is changing, and it’s changing you!

YOU are the one that is suffering! Your own demands and needs go unmet. You are the one that has to clean up, cover up and lie as to why things are the way they are to other people–as if other people don’t have eyes!

My Aunt Valarie has a word for that:  glue.

In being the glue, you are the one that holds the power. What do I mean? If you were to take yourself from your relationship, the relationship would cease to exist! Now, do I believe that you can give people time and space to come to themselves so the relationship can strengthen?


That is the point of love–it gives space to cover mistakes and to heal. The purpose to  that love, on that healthy space, is to give support, strength, and compassion.

Love is not the backdrop to drape your immaturity on.

Love that manipulates is sociopathic.

Don’t be that person.

Let me be fresh bathwater clear: you cannot manipulate anyone to love you. You cannot make anyone to stay with you. You cannot love someone and continually hurt them. That is not love; that’s you not wanting to be alone. That is you using someone that cares for you and its sociopathic.  

Love should not, and does not make you a lemming. You still are able to think for yourself. That is you using someone that cares for you and its sociopathic.

As a woman, it is natural to want to fix. To nuture. To make it all better. But to make something better, you may have to give all of yourself to fix it. Can you do that? Will you keep giving keep giving up chunks of yourself, because someone says they love you? Yet, has no idea what that means?

It doesn’t matter how many gifts they give, no matter how many times they apologize, or how eye-grossing, back-rattling the sex is–eventually, you are going to have to make a decision. That decision will be either love you or love you.

Choose wisely, else the light will go out in your eyes too.

Firestarters, consider this your appeal to look in the mirror.

[images from,,]

2 thoughts on “Being The Glue: The Promise Of Better Shouldn’t Cost Her Everything

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